our own mortality

When confronted with death, either by a near death experience of your own or dealing with the death of someone you know and love, it can really have a profound effect on you. Currently, my Mom's sister is on her very last days on this Earth. It is weird--you are on such an emotional roller coaster day in and day out. You don't want to let go, you want to hang on as long as you possibly can. But on the other hand, as in the case of my Aunt, you also pray for a release because the person in question is in such excruciating pain and suffering. It is unfair and it makes you angry....you are impatient because you want the suffering to end. Yet the thoughts that must be going through the head of the one in that bed must be incredible. Knowing your death is imminent is clearly something those of us that are up and alive and healthy have no concept of. I suppose a convicted individual who is getting ready for execution must have similar feelings--only thing is they know the date and time of their death. Waiting for an illness to consume you, well you don't know when it will come. You just know it will.

The good thing about my Aunt's situation is as her organs are shutting down, one at a time, she will eventually slip into a coma and pass in her sleep. Finally the pain will cease and she will have peace. Cancer is a terrible thing. She had fought it hard for three years. I suppose this is her time to go and who are we mortals to question that.

We went down last week to see her. She lives four hours from us, so I know that is going to be the last time I see her here. My mom has really been valiant--working all day, trekking two hours one way to spend time with her sister, then getting home late just to get up for work the next morning at 5am and starting all over. She is to be commended on her loyalty. I know she is exhausted.

Explaining this to Clare has not been a challenge, actually. Attending Catholic school, she is quite strong in her beliefs. She knows Aunt Sandie is going to meet God very soon. Although she is sad about it, she knows that Heaven is a wonderful place.

I am writing the eulogy for the service. I did this for my grandmother's funeral nine years ago and also for my other grandfather's funeral in March of 2000. I have everything I want to say formulated in my mind, but am truly procrastinating putting it onto paper. It is odd preparing for a funeral when the person is still alive. My mom and I were out on Sunday to purchase slippers to match my Aunt's dress and to buy a Beatles CD for a particular song that will be played. Having it on vinyl just wasn't ideal in this day and age.

Although my Aunt was released to home Hospice a week and a half ago, it really will be any day now. They have predicted thus far each step as it has occured. Now, we just continue to wait. Each time the phone rings you kind of catch your breath and prepare to hear the words. She has been brave and fought this thing long and hard--she certainly has earned her rewards in Heaven.

I am such gloom and doom with this. But watching someone die really puts your life into perspective. Live each day to it's fullest. Always tell those you care about that you love them. Never take anything for granted. And keep your faith strong. I try to live by this each and every day and pass those values onto our daughter. But it really makes a difference when it strikes so close to home.